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'I'm not comfortable with my wife's sexual demands'

November 21, 2008
Is your love life under pressure? Get Ahead's Love Guru hosted a chat with readers on November 14, addressing their relationship problems. For those of you who missed it, here's the transcript.

Love Guru says, Hi there, folks! It's time for the Love Guru chat, so let's get cracking at all those relationship issues!

arun asked, love Guru, I got engaged last month with a girl. it was supposed to be arranged marrige. Before engagement, we talked a bit and i lied that i dont drink, as it is taken in very negative and particularly if family members are orthodox. so i lied to her. i wanted to tell her later but meantime she came to know about this by some sources, now she is willing to break the engagement. I have developed lot of emotion and feeling for her and dont want to loose. my intention was not to cheat but i am accused of cheating from her point of view. please help.

Love Guru answers, Hmmm, well look at it from her point of view. Her family would have been a little displeased if you admitted to drinking, but at the same time they would have appreciated your honesty and thought that it is not a major issue, since you spoke about it so openly. But finding out from other sources has cost you her trust -- they all must be thinking, why did he hide it? Explain that you were not lying so much as trying to find favour with her family since you love her so much. Come clean about everything and try to clean up the mess you made. And if it helps, give up alcohol. Hopefully, she will give you another chance.

kamini asked, I have a friendship with a guy for one year.He is my college mate and he live is US for past 2 years.Last september he told me that he is willing to marry me.He told it is not a love or proposal.It is just an offer made by him.Now he is forcing me to reply whether I am interested in marrying him or not.I am totally confused but I like him a lot.He is very frank to me but he drinks attymes.We both belong to the same Gujarati caste.I told him that I want to ask my parents permission for proceeding in this issue but he is insisting on my decision first….what 2 do????Pls help????????i want a detailed answer 4m u…..plsss….

Love Guru answers, Well, Kamini, do you want to marry him or not? make up your mind first. If you love him and want to marry him, why not just say that you're agreeable from your side and that you want to clear it with your parents? Also, social drinking from time to time should not be an issue. But you may want to ask him why he's making such an offer if he is not in love with you -- and whether he likes it or not, an offer for marriage is a proposal! Tell him he should be honest about his feelings if he wants to marry you.

jaya asked, hi guru . is it wrong to say "I love you" during a small break to husband. he just scolded me for that and m very angry what shud i do?

Love Guru answers, I'm not too sure what 'small break' you're talking about, but no, there's nothing wrong with saying 'I love you' to somebody. You should scold him instead, for reacting like that! Tell him that he will killt he romance in your marriage if he behaves so ridiculous.

Ashiii asked, Hi Love guru, please reply this time : I met a girl thru We are of same caste, above 25 and I work in MNC too. We did lot of chat n talked over phone also.Later we developed some feelings for each other. At the same time, her family was looking into another proposal. Her family was very much satisfied with other proposal in their own town and only the fomality of meeting (girl n boy's) was left. She told abt me to her parents, but her parents said if first proposal is negative due to any reason then only they will give a thought to me. After knowing about me her family, stopped her from talking to me. About 10 days back their meeting was arranged and at that time itself the boy's mother engaged her with small formality. After 1 day she informed me about the new developments. She was feeling very sorry about me..She also asked me whther I believe her and recognize her efforts or not. Our feelings are more than liking each other..But we found ourself perfect match for each other.

Love Guru answers, Look, the two of you shouldn't have allowed her parents to formalise things with the other boy. The situation is ten times worse now. Either she puts her foot down and insists that she is not going to marry anybody but you, or then she will wind up getting married the same way she got engaged. You both are earning well and are mature adults -- go ahead with your own plans whether the parents like it or not. I think they will come around eventually.

naveenms asked, hi love guru, I am male..I love my cousin very muchh.... She is 3 years younger to me I am 25... I see love in her eyes.... I have met her only twice .... Her parents know me well... The problem is whenever I send her a mail; she address me as her brother.... I feel bad.... I speculate myself if she really loves me... I can't ask her for it may lead to chaos in our realtion & relatives.... I love her a lotttttttt... I don't know where this love is heading to... earlier I used to send her nice forwards, & she too used to repond back with some really nice ones.... but offlate she stopped even sending some forwards... I am getting mad thinking of her... I am not able to concetrate in my work.... Infact I fesr I may even ruin myself... Don't know what will happen.... Plzzzzzzzzz help !!!!!!!!! I will trust ur words.... God bless u... thanks !!!

Love Guru answers, Naveen, unless you are sure of her feelings for you, I would suggest taking things slowly. First off, will your parents and hers accept such a match? Second, you've met her only twice -- why don't you meet up more often and then see where it is headed? If she is interested, you will know and if she isn't, make up your mind to move past this once and for all. Because it's not just your feelings involved here, it will cause chaos and strain relations in your family.

neha asked, love guru, I got married last month. my husband lov me vry much. bt da poblem is dat l am in lov wid som other boy. bt i can realize now dat da boy nvr lovd me. he ws just flirting wid me. bt i could nt be able to stop my love 4 him. It disturbs my married life

Love Guru answers, Neha, on the one hand you have a doting, loving husband who makes you happy. On the other, you have a flirt who took you for a ride. I think your love for him has more to do with the fact that you can't have him than the fact that you actually connected with him on an emotional level. Put an effort into your marriage and appreciate the qualities of your husband. If he walked out on you you'd probably realise what you lost, but it's better to prevent that from happening, isn't it? Or you'll wind up without the flirt and without your hubby.

Illustrations: Uttam Ghosh

(Advice from the Love Guru does not necessarily reflect the opinions of and should not be considered in the capacity of professional counselling.)

Also see: 'I'm having an affair with my driver'

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